"So why are you sat at home? You’re not designed to be alone. You just got used to saying no" ~ FT

I am sat at home alone because I said no to playing in the snow all because of the circumstance last year!


I have been delaying this next post for a little while, I have wanted to write one but I kept putting it to the back of my to do list and just try to get through the day instead, but today seemed like the perfect opportunity to consider the fact to question the idea of History repeating itself?


I am looking out my window and dreading the site of snow at college because SNOW means FIGHTS and FIGHTS means HOSPITAL! You think I am being dramatic well according to the events of last year I think otherwise, after watching from my bedroom window my mates defend me against the people who sexually assaulted me friends. It all started off a snow ball fight until someone had to slip out you "rapist bastards" and at that time I felt joy that people believed me despite the rumors which had gone round college and the threats but at that point it didn't matter I had a whole load of guys backing me up. But that relief didn't last long it had all flashed by so fast and by the end of the fight I had one of my best mates being dragged to the hospital with his skull cut open and no use of his legs, and a duty warden who had stepped in during the fight to break it up had been smashed up pretty badly and was off college for about 4 months after that from suffering a heart attack. coincidence** the relief turned to guilt, pain and terror. Were my mates going to be okay?  Was I the cause of this? I felt for so long that the fight was my fault and in parts still do but then I think I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me! 


So to answer the question to my post I am sat in my room at college, alone and scared, looking out my window seeing everyone happily playing in the snow and thinking Will tonight be the night that history repeats itself? lets hope not! 


Another questioning that I need answering is Is Snow always going to be associated in my mind with fighting now? Please say no I like associating it with Christmas,I hate how the thing that happened to me affects my day to day life and I don't know if that will ever change?


Written by ~JLS~