"So why are you sat at home? You’re not designed to be alone. You just got used to saying no" ~ FT

I am sat at home alone because I said no to playing in the snow all because of the circumstance last year!


I have been delaying this next post for a little while, I have wanted to write one but I kept putting it to the back of my to do list and just try to get through the day instead, but today seemed like the perfect opportunity to consider the fact to question the idea of History repeating itself?


I am looking out my window and dreading the site of snow at college because SNOW means FIGHTS and FIGHTS means HOSPITAL! You think I am being dramatic well according to the events of last year I think otherwise, after watching from my bedroom window my mates defend me against the people who sexually assaulted me friends. It all started off a snow ball fight until someone had to slip out you "rapist bastards" and at that time I felt joy that people believed me despite the rumors which had gone round college and the threats but at that point it didn't matter I had a whole load of guys backing me up. But that relief didn't last long it had all flashed by so fast and by the end of the fight I had one of my best mates being dragged to the hospital with his skull cut open and no use of his legs, and a duty warden who had stepped in during the fight to break it up had been smashed up pretty badly and was off college for about 4 months after that from suffering a heart attack. coincidence** the relief turned to guilt, pain and terror. Were my mates going to be okay?  Was I the cause of this? I felt for so long that the fight was my fault and in parts still do but then I think I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me! 


So to answer the question to my post I am sat in my room at college, alone and scared, looking out my window seeing everyone happily playing in the snow and thinking Will tonight be the night that history repeats itself? lets hope not! 


Another questioning that I need answering is Is Snow always going to be associated in my mind with fighting now? Please say no I like associating it with Christmas,I hate how the thing that happened to me affects my day to day life and I don't know if that will ever change?


Written by ~JLS~

~My First Step to Recovery~

"I Keep Having Dreams Of Things I Need To Do, And Waking Up But Not Following Through"

Well this is the day where that's going to change, today I have taken the first step in my Recovery process and started this blog. People may ask what I'm recovering from and that's where I freeze and can't answer, but it shouldn't have to be that way, I shouldn't have to feel ashamed at what happened to me a year ago. After a year has gone by I still question daily was it my fault? Did I encourage them? But that isn't right or fair on me, I shouldn't have to feel that way. 

And that is why my display picture is the way it is, I am hiding behind shadows and denial still after a year, I am still broken and incomplete looking to change from a Victim to a Survivor, and until the day comes when I can breathe and feel safe and not scared, when I step outside my house with freedom, or step outside my room at college and not be afraid that it is going to happen to me again, my picture will stay like that. The day I have recovered is the day my picture will change and everyone will then know I have be freed from a prison.

People who haven't been in mine and others positions may look at us and just say we are looking for sympathy, they may say that it doesn't take long to get over but this is not true. Everyone is different, everyone has different healing times and different characters. I used to be such a strong person but now I can just feel my personality melt away and go into the background. When it happened to me last year I had so much support and I felt like I just had to move on, I didn't give myself that time to "grieve" over what had happened to me, I just tried to forget and pretend it never happened as that was easier then everyone asking "Are you okay?", but now I wish I gave myself that time, the time for me to just breakdown and not look like I was dealing with it, because now it has just re-bounced back and hit me double as hard. I am now feeling everything I should of done last year. 

Everyone who knows me thinks I am this strong, bold in your face person, but that is just my mask, deep down I am struggling and need help and support, I can't cope with all this inside me no more and need to write it down, tell someone about it just so its not burdening me anymore. 

If you haven't worked out what happened to me then listen here. 

on November 22nd 2010 I was betrayed. I was made a victim. Two of my friends at that point who I lived with at college came into my room and sexually assaulted me, one attempted to rape me. I reported it but it didn't get to court from insufficient evidence. I now have to see them round college everyday and live with what they did to me, how is that fair? I relive that day everyday of my life because there allowed to roam free and to think that they could do that to someone else sickens me. 

But writing this I can feel the relief lift from me that I have shared the weight it was resting on my mind. 

~This is my first step to recovery~

Signed JLS*